The Ocelot of Destiny: Chapter 4

“Professor” asked Bernard, “you've read a lot of spy novels. How can we embark on our journey in a suitably dramatic fashion?”

“Well, we'll need to give the operation a code name, spend an afternoon deliberating very seriously over some large maps, and then meet at an obscure prearranged location under the cover of darkness.”

“That sounds exciting – shall we do that, then?”

“No, I have a better idea,” replied Professor D'Urbrayne with a grin.

“Oh, do tell…”

“We’ll go back to mine and order in some jumbo pizzas, eat them whilst playing Super Mario, and then set out a little before teatime. I can show you my train set too if you’d like!”

“YAY!”

“Um… this may be a delicate question, but are you actually capable of walking back to my house?”

“Not really,” replied Bernard despondently, “look at my ridiculous flippers! They’re really great for swimming but no good for much else”

In a swift jaunty motion, the Professor scooped up the platypus and shoved him into his satchel, where he landed straddling a yellow plastic mac in a rather undignified manner, with only his bill sticking out. Bernard suspected that this was a position he would have to get used to.

A joyous lunchtime feast of pizza, garlic bread and spicy chicken wings proceeded. Simon was perturbed by Bernard's fussy eating habits and ended up eating most of his pizza for him, whilst D'Urbrayne made himself hyperactive by consuming an entire bottle of Fanta. Following much hilarity, they made their way to the garage.

Professor D'Urbrayne's garage had a faintly musty odour and was packed to the rafters with clutter. Amongst other things, Bernard noticed a sinister-looking wooden puppet, a half-empty pack of garibaldi biscuits, a wheelbarrow filled with multi-coloured Lego bricks, a 1970s book of knitting patterns, a battered map of Greenland and CDs by Leonard Cohen, the Sugababes and an obscure Eastern European folk ensemble with an unpronounceable name. “You can tell a lot about a man from his workshop… supposedly” thought Bernard to himself, still somewhat overwhelmed by the distinct feeling that his life was in the process of becoming much stranger.

In the centre of the garage, covered in a large beige blanket, stood Professor D'Urbrayne's pride and joy. In his customary swift, jerky manner he creaked open the garage door, casting dusty sunbeams in amongst the clutter, and removed the blanket with an elegant flourish, knocking an old sherry glass from one of the shelves onto the floor, where it shattered spectacularly. There stood an immaculate Morris Van, shinier than the day it rolled off the production line. Everything about it was perfect, apart from the fact that it was a rather violent shade of green.

“What do you think of her?” asked D'Urbrayne, grinning.

“She's… spectacular! How much work have you done on her?”

“She was a mess when I found her, so I completely dismantled her, restored each piece individually, and then put her back together again. It’s been fascinating learning all about how she works… and all I needed was the help of this!”

D’Urbrayne proudly brandished a Haynes manual covered in oily fingerprints.

“Does she have a name?”

“Of course… I’ve called her Brenda Peabody”

As soon as Brenda's rear doors were opened, Simon gurgled with approval and wriggled joyously in, testing the wonderfully bouncy suspension the Professor had recently installed. The platypus was strapped into the passenger seat where he took control of a Dansette record player that had been cleverly wired up to the car’s battery and encased in an ingenious “anti-skip” contraption invented by D'Urbrayne. After meticulously cleaning up the remains of the sherry glass, the Professor hopped into the driver's seat and the three of them tootled gleefully on their way, Simon embellishing “Good Day Sunshine” by the Beatles with his inimitable sound effects.