The Ocelot of Destiny: Chapter 2

“Yes, a secret," repeated the platypus, "it’s a matter of national security”

National security! Professor D’Urbrayne smirked imperceptibly under his beard, and drew his scrawny frame up to full height. He felt like a character from one of his favourite spy novels and anticipated embarking on a heroic adventure. This time he would have to make sure he packed some sandwiches, a warm anorak and a spare pair of socks...

“Your secret is safe with me,” he reiterated, trying to sound calm and authoritative when in fact he felt as gleeful as a small child on Christmas morning.

“I’m gay,” announced the platypus.

“I’d guessed,” replied Professor D’Urbrayne, dejectedly, “the waistcoat is a dead giveaway”

“Oops!” exclaimed the platypus, clapping together its flippers, “I am a ditzy platypus! That wasn’t the secret I meant to tell you, was it?”

“Um... I assume not”

“What about the unfortunate incident with the dating website and the Dutch Mallard... was that it? No, I think not”

Professor D’Urbrayne turned away from the platypus and called out to Simon, who was flolloping enthusiastically after a passing toddler.

“I KNOW!” announced the platypus, “the secret involves a quest I would like you to accompany me on. I’ve heard all about your search for your lost doodah... whatjumicallit…?!”

“Yes, my Thingummywotsit. I ventured across continents and braved all manner of horrific weather conditions,” boasted Professor D’Urbrayne, feeling rather important.

“Exactly,” replied the platypus emphatically, “then you realised that you’d eaten whatever it was the previous Tuesday, am I right?”

“Well, there was that, but it did very closely resemble a Manchester Egg...”

“Anyway, my quest! The German government entrusted me with something called an ocelot, but I accidentally left it in the disabled toilet at the Dog and Duck in Addis Buckett, and now it’s nowhere to be seen. Please say you’ll come with me to help me find it.”

“Um... what is this ocelot of which you speak?” replied Professor D’Urbrayne, looking even more baffled than usual.

“I don’t know. It’s wrapped in brown paper and has a label with large, friendly letters reading “this ocelot belongs to Bernard Snell”

“Oh? And who is Bernard Snell”

“It’s me”

“Interesting. I had you down as a Malcolm or maybe even an Ezekiel. This is all very interesting, but why exactly have you chosen me to accompany you on your journey?”

“Because your last quest entertained me and I thought it deserved a sequel. If you come with me, I’ll give you this crumpled packet of Monster Munch from my waistcoat pocket”

“Roast beef, spicy, or pickled onion?”

“They’re pickled onion ones!”

“Count me in”

The professor skipped joyfully back to the house, made some tuna and cucumber sandwiches and meticulously wrapped them in cling film. He packed some socks, an anorak and six spare sweaters and rejoined his new chum Bernard in the park. “What a splendid day,” he thought to himself as he cleared several empty wine bottles, a roll of soggy toilet tissue and a pair of skulking emo kids from the oddly-shaped bottle bank in preparation for its epic voyage...